It was my long-standing desire to learn to drive a two-wheeler, and then a four-wheeler. Wherever I want to go, my husband is always there to drop me. But every time he does that, I feel guilty thinking, “When am I going to be independent?”
It all started as New Year resolutions that I must learn to drive by the end of the year. Something or the other kept coming up, like an athletic meet, arrival of a new grandchild and Amma's sudden illness, which led to 24×7 care; all of which didn't motivate me to learn driving. I know very well these are all lame excuses and remind me of the Tamil proverb 'Aadatheriyaadanangaikkuveedikonalam,' which means a person who doesn’t know to dance blames the stage.
Initially, with much push from my husband, I learned how to start, accelerate and to drive the scooter just a bit. l could only go on a straight, empty road with no humans or vehicles. Each time, I would get down, and push the scooter to change direction. I found that was a difficult task. 'If you don't practice you will never learn' was the shout from my husband. But the mere thought of changing direction applied a big ‘brake’ in me.
Years rolled by but the resolution never got fulfilled. Husband tried his best, but it was of no use. He used his last 'Asthra' (weapon) of making me learn cycling. After several long attempts, I am now able to cycle inside the colony where there is no traffic. I have not yet got the confidence to ride on main roads.
Now I have a fear of future; about who will help me in a time of crisis (in the absence of my husband). But hubby says, 'Don't worry l will teach you to drive a car'. It reminds me of the saying, 'I'm not even trying to get to the tree-top, how do I aim for the moon?' I think I might need professional counselling to get out of this fear...
“Paatti! Try, try until you succeed," I hear my grandson's whisper.
Renuka Sankar
March 2023
